Forgiveness is never easy. It takes strength and humility to forgive someone who has wronged you and not let bitterness settle in. Despite its challenges, we’re called to forgive others as Christians and promote unity, healing and community. But where do you start?
Here are five tips to help you on your journey to forgiveness.
Look inward first.
When working to forgive someone, it’s often helpful to assess the situation. Think about why the other person’s actions hurt you, examine your attitudes, and ask yourself if you are possibly being too harsh or unforgiving. You may realize that you have already moved on, or that the situation doesn’t bother you like it used to but you are still holding a grudge.
Matthew 7:3-5 tells us to remove the plank in our own eye so we can see clearly to remove the speck of dust in our brother’s eye. Resentment and unforgiveness can be like a plank in your eye, preventing you from seeing clearly. Sometimes, your hurt goes deep and your anger is deserved, but as you take the time to self-reflect, you’ll gain helpful insights into how to let go of your bitterness and take the next step of forgiveness.
Empathize.
Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and seeking to understand them can help lead you to forgiveness. Empathizing helps you understand why the other person acted the way they did and what their motivations were. As you empathize, you may realize that the other person acted with good intentions, or that you might have done the same thing in their situation.
Empathizing should not be confused with excusing bad behavior. Instead, practicing empathy will help remind you that the person who wronged you is still someone who God calls you to love and forgive. When you see the humanity in someone, you’ll gain compassion, which is foundational to healing the relationship.
Focus on what you can control.
You can’t control what others do, how people respond, or change how you acted in the past. The only things you can control are your own actions going forward. Consider the toll that unforgiveness can take on you. Is anger over something you can’t control worth holding onto?
Allowing unforgiveness in your heart doesn’t always affect the other person. They may not even know you hold bitterness towards them — but it will always affect you. A lack of forgiveness causes you to experience bitterness, resentment and added stress. Instead of allowing these feelings to lead you to act out in anger or revenge, and damage your character, focus on the present and what you can do to bring peace to the situation.
Consider the effects on your community.
Forgiveness affects more people than just you and the person who wronged you. It helps rebuild your community, promote unity and bring hope to those around you. On the other hand, unforgiveness can cause people to choose sides, leading to division.Forgiveness will benefit your relationships, setting an example for others to follow and giving them hope of healing after conflict. Weighing the impacts on your community will encourage and motivate you on your journey toward forgiveness.
Release.
Sometimes, you may be unforgiving because it gives you a sense of power over the situation. But in reality, not forgiving others gives them power over you. You may avoid certain places and situations just because you don’t want to face this person. Your mental energy may be spent on replaying what happened, or experiencing anger or bitterness, when you could be focusing on what you enjoy.
Forgiveness gives you the freedom to go where you wish to go and do what you wish to do; it releases you from the power the other person had over your life. Forgiving others also gives us forgiveness and freedom from our own sins. Matthew 6:14 tells us, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
As you walk on the path of forgiveness, don’t walk it alone. Seek friends and mentors who will encourage you, pray for you and steer you back on the right path. Most of all, turn to Jesus, the ultimate forgiver, who will heal every broken relationship.